Often I have been accused of being altruistic and naïve. I think this was also the approach how I had started this blog. Thinking by just simply sharing my story I would help others in their tinnitus journey.
Soon I learned that it wasn´t that simple. And I understand – having tinnitus is scary. In the beginning it really scared me too and I also had a lot of resistance. Resistance to alternative healing methods or to the thinking that nothing can help than a cure produced by modern western medicine in form of some sort of a pill or treatment in a hospital.
But throughout time I learned how to handle tinnitus and found out what helps – I finally understood that all my doctors were right in the end. They just didn´t know how to bring that message across and how to teach me what I needed to learn. Learning to live with it has broadened my perception of life and helped me to live healthier, fitter and more mindful than ever. It has enriched my whole life, changed my life to the better.
Through that experience I got exhilarated! I wanted to share it – I wanted the same experience for others. I got so eager to help others to leave that dark place I had been for such a long time, I didn´t want others to have to go through what I had been through to get there.
So I started sharing what I had been doing to feel better to improve my health and to find peace.
But just like me, many weren´t ready for that message. Hearing that not cure is the solution but living with it is not what one wants to hear when desperate. Neither did I when I was in that place. But now pouring out that message to people stuck in that dark place I had been for so long felt to many like I was just like their doctors. Telling them to accept instead of looking for some sort of cure, many didn´t feel understood nor taken seriously.
Many times I got accused of not having severe tinnitus, of not understanding what they were going through and all people wanted to talk about finding a cure.
On one side I understood what people were going through and on the other side it was really hard for me to not get my exhilarating message of finding peace with tinnitus across.
Over time I got more and more frustrated, I tried to talk about things I felt like what people needed to hear as I wanted to try to help them. All I wanted to do was for others to find the same relief as I had. But it seemed not to work. In order to find a way to “convince” others of a way to find relief I created my posts on instragram and blog posts more and more around the topics I thought people wanted to hear.
In all that I forgot more and more about myself, my message within me and what I personally stand for. My posts and blog posts were more and more about things I had read and researched than about what I had experienced and my beliefs.
It was nobody’s fault but my own expectation and my own doubts – like always my desire to please others and to be liked overshadowed everything else. My biggest fears have always been my biggest obstacles. I felt like so often before that I had lost myself, didn´t know in which world I belonged as I had drifted so far from my goal.
So I needed some time to not focus so much on the outside anymore but on the inside, to align with my inner beliefs again and to stand strong to what I belief.
In that month I took – I almost decided to give up this site as I wasn´t sure anymore if this is what I want to do. Spend my free time with creating posts and then only get attacked for it. Feeling like I had to justify myself, my actions and my beliefs day after day.
Then I realized this was the ultimate learning opportunity to stand up for myself. To stand up for my beliefs and my message. To gain the faith back I had in my process and in my healing journey of my body, mind and spirit.
I had lost faith in myself and only looked for validation on the outside world, but this time even a harder world – the social media world and people can get really cruel there. I wonder if those people say such harmful words also when facing the person they are saying it to.
But I realized that this was part of my pattern and if I wanted to truly heal and feel better then I needed to overcome this obsessive focus on the outside world and thoughts of others. I needed to learn to truly let go of wanting to be liked and finally like myself enough to not long for approval anymore.
I decided the first step was to start sharing again what I stand for and what I believe in.
But then I wondered: what do I believe in? What do I stand for? And I felt even more lost…
I also had a health situation I went through at the same time, so that might also have contributed in questioning myself a lot.
So what did I end up with?
Everything good and solved? No, not by the long shoot. But I am on track again. Closer by myself and more confident to stay true to myself.
What does that mean? I will talk about the things I feel like talking about not what I think is expected of me. And my life does not only exit of tinnitus – it is so much more. It wears me down to only talk about tinnitus as it is something that I left behind. I am focusing on feeling good, on healing and being happy. Those are my most important things in life right now and are helping me to be me – a healthy and happy me.
So that is my story of my hiatus and I am not sure where the journey will lead to- but it will be my journey and not the words I think someone wants to hear.