Did Tinnitus Unleash the Beast In Me?
Live in the moment and love every minute of it is one of my new ways I want to live by. This seems to help me to become more positive! As more positive I am, the better my tinnitus is. But not just positive on the surface – like really deeply positive thinking, grateful and positive from the inside out.
Like I have said many times, having tinnitus has turned me into a negative and resentful person. But let´s be honest here . . . was I happy before?
Maybe as a child. Or was I?
I wasn´t openly negative, I had this nice and always smiley shell….but underneath I guess I have always hated my life and myself. I had so much jealousy within me, I can´t even begin to tell – I always thought that everybody else had something better or something that made them more happy.
I always, always felt like that I had something missing in my life and that I hadn´t gotten enough. These deep dark feelings were covered up by my positive and nice façade. And people thought I loved everyone, my life and life in general and was just the happiest person on the whole wide world.
And I loved that people saw me that way….I wanted to be that always happy person. The person, who didn´t judge others and who was just a big bundle of sunshine. So many times people told me that I was just a sunshine and always brought light into their day, made them feel good. I liked that.
All those negative feelings inside were cooking up to show up on the surface, but I tried to shove them down even more and even locked them up. Deep down there in my unconsciousness those feelings grew and grew…..now it seems they even became bigger and deeper.
I actually went to therapy for a few months and my therapist said the more positive and encouraging experiences you have the less will the negative ones weigh. So I need to create more positive experiences in order to not cling to my negative expectations. I have tried that ever since, but it seems like my negative ways have deep roots inside my body.
Now more and more I got the feeling that my tinnitus is related to that and not the other way around. My tinnitus didn´t make me sad, negative and resentful. I already was it before, I just didn´t let it out. The ear ringing just brought that out – this annoying peeping broke my shield and hell broke loose.
It seemed like I was always able to cover it up, but with this mental distress that my ear noise caused I just couldn´t do that anymore. So now I could even get madder. Mad at my tinnitus.
But wasn´t it something good that my tinnitus has caused?
I mean, don´t get me wrong I don´t like being negative nor hating everything! But shoved down it wasn´t doing any good either. I am sure it was poisoning my body and I had to put a lot of effort into it. In the end at home I was even sadder and more depressed as happier I played on the outside.
So my tinnitus finally brought the truths to the outside. If forced me to deal. To deal with me, with my emotions and with my feelings. I have heard and read from natural healers so many times that tinnitus is connected with not wanting to hear something, not wanting to listen to something – to yourself. I didn´t do that – never. And then this tinnitus just forced me to finally listen. It brought everything out to the surface to look at. No more hiding.
Not only did I feel exposed, but ashamed of being so hateful and so negative. But it took me a long time to not blame this almost unbearable sound in my ear for my mood and perception of life.
Yes, I blamed my tinnitus for almost everything in my life then. I wasn´t responsible for anything, how could I have been? This tinnitus just controlled my life and I had no say. Yes, I blamed it for everything and anything that wasn´t going well in my life. I forgot a meeting, I didn´t call a friend, I didn´t get a job – it was my tinnitus fault.
Isn´t life easy like that? I basically rested on my condition. I didn´t make myself responsible for anything. But I am responsible for my life and for everything that I do in my life, for my reactions, for my thoughts, for my feelings and for my actions.
I could go around and look for someone who is guilty for my negative ways. I was a middle child, I have had bad relationships and so on….I got betrayed and lied to. I could just point fingers and say, this is your fault. But whom is served with that?
Right now it doesn´t matter why I am that way. What matters is, to get over it. To confront it and to overcome it. To be able to do that it is not necessary to go back and relive old experiences or to find the exact situations, in which those thought patterns or behaviors were formed.
A lot has to do with just letting go. Why hold on to old grudges, to old feelings and to behaviors that don´t serve me. It is about recognizing what it is, what feelings are there, maybe where you feel them and what it actually feels like. I have so many old feelings I never let myself feel. Maybe I wasn´t ready to experience them or was just afraid of them, I avoided confronting my true emotions so many times and so they just stayed here and grew with every similar feeling I had.
So as the tinnitus has brought them up to daylight, it is no finally time to let myself have those feelings. I never wanted to have negative feelings, so I just ignored them altogether. Now out on the open – it is time to confront myself with them. Let myself feel them and accept them. They are a part of me and they are not bad. I am not those feelings.
That was so important for me to realize, I am not my feelings or thoughts. They are here and it is okay that they are here. I see them, I feel them and I accept them. And then I can let them go. I don´t need them. They don´t serve me and I just let go. Letting go has been such a challenge for me, so I love the image Louise Hay gives: I put them I a balloon and watch them fly away.
This is not something I do every day and I am able to let go of some negative emotion every day. No, this is a process and something I don´t let myself feel it all the way and then it doesn´t really work. It comes back to you as long as you don´t really acknowledge it. At least that is my experience. And not every day I am ready to experience and deeply feel every emotion that comes up. This is a process, but it is so rewarding.
Another thing I am really struggling with is jealousy.
I hate jealousy. It is destructive and so unfair to the people you are jealous of. I still can´t believe that I am a jealous person. Not wanting to experience jealousy I think made this just a huge deal for me. If I would have just accepted it every time I feel it, it would have never gotten to the point to bother me that much. So it is the same as with the other feelings. Just let yourself feel it. Accept it and let it go. I tried this the last time I was jealous, I felt like this friend has everything, but everything I want in live and I thought how can this be? I am working so hard on myself and on my life, how can I not get at least one thing of it? I just experienced those every little bit of it and then I was actually able to let go. In the end I was able to be happy for my friend and to truly not feel jealous about it.
The other thing with those feelings and thoughts is, what you send out comes back to you. So all those negative things will come back to you – as this is the energy that you are sending it. That is something that really affected me. As I thought about that, I realized more and more how negative I was and what that meant for me. Of course none of those things I wanted are coming true. Have I ever thought about any of it in a positive way? Not really. So how would they come true?
Did you ever realize that people, who got what they wanted didn´t really doubt it? They went for it with all their confidence. And they talked about it in a positive way, convinced that it would just work out the way they planed it.
Our thoughts affect everything and will determine how we act, this will in the end form our life.
What I´m trying to do at the moment is to observe my thoughts and to replace all those negative ones with positive ones. Comes a thought up, that I won´t be able to fulfill my dream or my plan. Then I will replace that thought with positive little steps how I will work on it.
So did tinnitus bring out the beast in me?
On one side you could say yes, it brought out my negative and not so fuzzy side. But I am finally able to face my true feelings and to face my true self. It helps me to get to know myself better and to finally move on. To let go.
My tinnitus has helped me and is still helping me to not just see one side of myself, to see me as a whole person with positive and negative feelings. But not accepting them as my true self. I am far from saying that I´m glad to have a ringing in my ear, but this has helped me to evolve as a person. It is helping me to grow. To accept myself and to accept life.
Of course it has been so hard and the ringing made me crazy in the beginning. It was just an awful time to be able to life my life with tinnitus – it sometimes still is. But it has also brought me so much. It has thought me about life and about myself.
I don´t know if I would have ever changed my ways and I would have always lived a life with trying to separate the feelings, not wanting to accept the negative ones as part of life.
It is ok to be mad and to express that you are mad.
That is what my therapist once told me. I didn´t understand that that time what she meant, she wanted me to accept and feel those emotions. I just I was not ready for that then. Now I am. Even though it is not fun. If feels so much more real.
This road I started to walk down is not an easy one, nor a short one but I think this is what I need to do in order to finally find what I really want and what I have been looking for.
Oneness. Wholeness. Happiness. Authenticity. Success.
I feel like I really opened up about my deep feelings things time. It is just what I think and what I feel. I know that tinnitus is different for everybody and that there are so many different causes. This might not be what it is for you. But I still hope this helps and inspires others. I would hate to know that it takes others as long as me to realize those things. To accept it.
Trying to live in the present moment, to accept my current situation and to make the best of it is part of that journey!
Often I feel just awful about my current situation and can´t for it to change – to be able to move on. I want to be in the future already! But that is not how it works. Past desicions brought us to the present situation, we did the best we could at that point of time and we have to honor that. We have to accept the state we are in right now, but we can always do the best we can to move on. But daydreaming about a better future doesn´t take us anywhere – so accept it, let it go and move on. Live in the present moment and make the best of it to soon be in a different situation!